Food is my drug of choice. I can pass on beer, wine, liquors, smokes, no problem. Ice cream, fries, rice krispie treats (especially the ones with chocolate on top or M&Ms inside), Mike&Ike, Starburst, that’s a different story…
Three years ago today, like an alcoholic recording day 1 of sobriety, I recorded day 1 of my own “food coma sobriety”. I’d been working a recovery program for about 3 years, was in a great relationship (Still am, thanks, God!), work stress was high but more manageable than it had been, I was starting to worry less about my son… My sister in law had posted a candid photo of me in an orange and brown flowered dress on Facebook. I knew what the scale said but I didn’t know I looked like THAT! I knew I was abusing my body by overeating and also knew that with JUST portion control, it was possible to lose weight (my cat had). In my journal, I recorded June 4, 2009 as the day I stopped overeating.
Every year since, I have taken time to revisit how far I’ve come, thank God for giving me strength and tools to succeed and celebrating my accomplishments on the anniversary of that day.
This morning, I spent some time reading journal entries from 2004 (first year of recovery journey) and the summer of 2009 (early stages of sustained weight loss). Common themes back then were self hatred, anger, fear and failure. Reading some of the entries still brings a heavy feeling in my chest and tightness in my throat. I was in so much pain. So conflicted. So lonely. So ashamed. I’m so grateful to have survived all that!
If you are in that place now, I hope my experience gives you encouragement. You CAN CHANGE! You DESERVE to be healthy! Success isn’t just for other people, it’s for you too.
I reached a healthy weight by November 2009 and have maintained that weight within 7lbs since that time. I am not perfect. I have eaten more than I need on several days in the past 3 years but not consistently. I get off track; I get back on track. I refuse to beat myself up about what I’ve done in the past. Every minute is a fresh start, a chance to make a better choice.
My philosophy is I workout to live, I don’t live to workout. I aim to eat more healthy than unhealthy. I like me. I accept me…wrinkles and stretch marks too. I’m not without faults and I’ve stopped trying so hard to be. I want to keep being a better person. Tomorrow, I aim to make better choices than I did today. My best at this moment is enough.
I still see a professional, certified, trainer 1-2 times a month. I might not forever but I still need the accountability. I need someone to reach out to for advice that I trust and is educated. The way I see it, personal trainer bills are cheaper than doctor/medication bills from continuing down a self-destructive path. The fear of weight coming back is getting less intense although I aim to keep where I have been fresh enough I don’t get over confident and lose my way.
From my heart to yours,
thanks for reading