Improving My Relationship With Food

In talking with other people about how they feel when they eat, I understand that the “I’m full” trigger hits me much later than my thinner friends.  I dislike feeling at all hungry the same way my friends who battle anorexia and bulimia dislike feeling full.

I don’t like feeling restricted.  I rebel when that’s my perception.  Food is my #1 “go to” default when I’m stressed or feeling discomfort.  When I’m tired and stressed, my willpower to stay “on track” wanes.  Looking back at former posts, this feeling tends to hit me in about the 3rd week of the month.  Coincidence?  Perhaps….

As much as I would like to deny it, I am always going to have the ability and temptation to overeat.  I don’t have to shame myself for indulging sometimes.  I am not perfect and that is OK.  At the same time, I need to maintain humility in that certain indulgences can turn into a downward spiral of more and more high calorie/low nutrient choices.

As hard as losing weight is, maintaining is harder.  Not at first, but after a few years, it’s easy to think that you’re “safe”, the weight isn’t coming back, and then it does.  When I started training for this upcoming marathon, I thought it would help me lose weight.  I’ve found running to instead increase my appetite and make it harder to not eat a significant surplus on days I’m not running.  Then I get off schedule a little, don’t get in as many miles and ….  do the math.

I find myself having thoughts like “see, this won’t last” and “your mother was right”.  (When I sent her a picture of me at my goal weight she said I needed to gain 10lbs and losing too much weight won’t stay off)  I can’t get my mother out of my head, I can only tell her I disagree and her opinion does not have to have a baring on my life (in my head).  We rarely talk any more due to our radically different religious beliefs but she’s with me… most days.

I was given this formula:

emotional health = feel emotions + control thoughts + choose behavior

I’m working on it….

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Choosing The Life I Want To Live

The world is full of “should” and “can’t” when most of the time you “could” and “can”.  No matter what happens, there’s something to learn from and be grateful for.

I see a lot of injury and illness that could be prevented of people listened to their bodies and took care of themselves.  My wish for my training is not to hurt at all.  Do all the right things and nothing bad happens, right?  If I hurt, I did something wrong and it’s my own fault for trying, right?  Wrong.  Sometimes I have to go past my limit to know where my limit is.  An injury isn’t the end of the world, it’s something to learn from, take note of, and part of growth.

One of my major weaknesses is my poor ability to smile when I’m unhappy or make someone feel like I like them when I would be very pleased to see them disappear.  I don’t usually shy away from conflict mostly because pretending issues don’t exist is unbearable.  Not moving, not making progress, feels like I’m dying.  I either take action to fix what I see is broken or reframe it so I no longer see it something that can/should be “fixed”.  In other words, I have major control issues.

At this moment, I am unhappy to be sitting on the floor of the airport charging my laptop because my flight has been delayed over 3 hours.  I was flown hundreds of miles away from home to get home because the Des Moines airport is so small.  The delay is giving me a chance to write and I was able to see a beautiful sunset.  However, I would rather be landing and on my way to my husband’s arms right now.  These are the moments that challenge my idealistic “keep on the sunny side” way of life I try to live.  I am practicing experiencing multiple emotions at the same time.  I am equally irritated that I’m in this predicament and grateful for the opportunites it’s opened up to me.

I’m practicing believing that everything is where it’s supposed to be at this moment.  I don’t have to like it and there’s joy in giving myself permission to feel whatever I feel.  Whether I perceive it as pleasant it or not, what is IS and peace is found in accepting that.

My ultimate goal is a peaceful heart and a balanced life.  I’m making progress….