Get Off the Roller Coaster

Three things in my life have caused me to feel like I was on an emotional roller coaster:
1) trying to make a relationship into something it isn’t
2) trying to control what I don’t have the power to influence
3) thinking that “bad” negates “good”, not understanding that both happen simultaneously

I am coming to a deeper understanding that there are positives and negatives to everything. My mom used to say “you have to decide what advantages you have to have and what disadvantages you can put up with”. My parents will celebrate 50 years together on September 5. I will not be at the celebration but my ex husband and my son are planning to be. My value system and my immediate family’s are not compatible to such a degree it is better if we stay out of each other’s presence as much as possible. My family used to put me on a roller coaster. They don’t anymore. I still grieve a relationship that never was and never will be but I’m coming to peace with it more and more all the time. I am grateful for my upbringing and concurrently grateful I don’t have to live under that oppression any longer.

My yoga instructor told me I did something wrong today. When I say it like that, it’s nothing. At the time, and for most of the day, it felt like something. The truth is, it was a movement that I didn’t understand and now I understand it better. When I expressed wanting to have better tools to understand what I was supposed to do, my teacher told me to work on relaxing and embrace the day for what it was. His message is one that I’ve received over and over again since I’ve started trying to achieve a better quality of existence. Patience? Ya, ya, ya, how long does that take and how do I do it right?

My current understanding of life, the universe and everything is that nothing is either all good or all bad. Believing this, keeps me on a level plane but sometimes I forget what I know. Admittedly, nothing feels quite as exciting as believing I have done something perfectly but nothing feels quite as terrible as believing I’ve done everything wrong. I consider it a fair trade off.

As I caught myself rehearsing my yoga error this morning over and over, I noted that I have never repeated something I’ve done well over and over like that. Things I do well feel good for about two seconds and then I dismiss them as chance, being lucky, being blessed for a moment. What would life be like if I instead rehearsed the positive and quickly dismissed the negative after I took a moment to reflect on if there was a lesson in it for me?

The week of my birth anniversary, I had some people give me some INCREDIBLE compliments. They said heartfelt things expressing appreciation for all that I am, all that I strive to be. I also had some people tell me hurtful things, publicly proclaiming I am a disappointment to my father and that I disregarded the sanctity of marriage by filing for divorce from my first husband. A few weeks later, the hurtful comments are still bouncing around my head and the compliments are a more distant memory. That doesn’t make much sense, does it?

A few people, who I do not aspire to be like, said a few hurtful things. That is all. Many more people I care about said loving, uplifting, wonderful things.

So, friends, I’m trying something new… I’m getting off the roller coaster again. I’m going to rehearse all the wonderful, kind things that beautiful people in my life have taken time to share with me because they are worth it! I am worth it!

From my heart to yours,

Thanks for reading

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I Am Already Enough

During a yoga studio social hour last night, I had a conversation with an amazing young woman who’s leaving for seminary to Berklee, CA in a couple weeks.  I thanked her for the time she came up to me when I was having a mat meltdown, touched my shoulder and said it had happened to her too.  I experienced a moment where I felt safe and completely understood by someone I’d only interacted with for a few moments of life.  I am grateful women like her exist.

We exchanged background stories and agreed that challenging life circumstances have positioned us to be helpers.  I’m becoming more grateful for the opportunities to grow from them more and more all the time.  However, I’ve also caught myself creating challenges when none are necessary or believing something is going to be difficult when I haven’t even tried it.

Adamanine® Yoga teaches the concept of “effortless effort” which has challenged my core belief that if it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t count.  I’m working on releasing my need to suffer.  I’m releasing tension from years of holding in, holding on, and pushing through.  Some if it isn’t even mine, it’s my parent’s tension passed on to me.  I don’t need to hold on to it any more.

Nothing lasts forever.  The sun rises and the sun sets everyday.  There is consistency to life but nothing is forever.  I’m giving myself permission to try things I’ve never tried before.  In fact, if I’m looking for results I’ve never had before, it’s likely to come from a source I’ve never tried before.

I’ve seen in myself and others that if you simply give yourself permission to stop believing you are stuck this way, allow yourself to change your mind, ask the universe questions and open your heart to answers, A-MA-ZING things happen.  However, my amazing is not the same as your amazing.  Each individual has their own path, their own journey, their own gifts.  From what I gather, the right path for each individual is “effortless effort” as much as my ideal yoga practice.

For every thing that doesn’t work out, I’ve narrowed down possibilities of what will.  I try things… no longer settling for mediocre.  I’m already enough, there’s no need to try to prove it.

Wow, what a relief!

 

From my heart to yours,

Thanks for reading

More about Adamantine Yoga can be found here: 

https://adamantineyoga.com/

Much more on changing thinking patterns can be found in this book: 

“You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay