Get Off the Roller Coaster

Three things in my life have caused me to feel like I was on an emotional roller coaster:
1) trying to make a relationship into something it isn’t
2) trying to control what I don’t have the power to influence
3) thinking that “bad” negates “good”, not understanding that both happen simultaneously

I am coming to a deeper understanding that there are positives and negatives to everything. My mom used to say “you have to decide what advantages you have to have and what disadvantages you can put up with”. My parents will celebrate 50 years together on September 5. I will not be at the celebration but my ex husband and my son are planning to be. My value system and my immediate family’s are not compatible to such a degree it is better if we stay out of each other’s presence as much as possible. My family used to put me on a roller coaster. They don’t anymore. I still grieve a relationship that never was and never will be but I’m coming to peace with it more and more all the time. I am grateful for my upbringing and concurrently grateful I don’t have to live under that oppression any longer.

My yoga instructor told me I did something wrong today. When I say it like that, it’s nothing. At the time, and for most of the day, it felt like something. The truth is, it was a movement that I didn’t understand and now I understand it better. When I expressed wanting to have better tools to understand what I was supposed to do, my teacher told me to work on relaxing and embrace the day for what it was. His message is one that I’ve received over and over again since I’ve started trying to achieve a better quality of existence. Patience? Ya, ya, ya, how long does that take and how do I do it right?

My current understanding of life, the universe and everything is that nothing is either all good or all bad. Believing this, keeps me on a level plane but sometimes I forget what I know. Admittedly, nothing feels quite as exciting as believing I have done something perfectly but nothing feels quite as terrible as believing I’ve done everything wrong. I consider it a fair trade off.

As I caught myself rehearsing my yoga error this morning over and over, I noted that I have never repeated something I’ve done well over and over like that. Things I do well feel good for about two seconds and then I dismiss them as chance, being lucky, being blessed for a moment. What would life be like if I instead rehearsed the positive and quickly dismissed the negative after I took a moment to reflect on if there was a lesson in it for me?

The week of my birth anniversary, I had some people give me some INCREDIBLE compliments. They said heartfelt things expressing appreciation for all that I am, all that I strive to be. I also had some people tell me hurtful things, publicly proclaiming I am a disappointment to my father and that I disregarded the sanctity of marriage by filing for divorce from my first husband. A few weeks later, the hurtful comments are still bouncing around my head and the compliments are a more distant memory. That doesn’t make much sense, does it?

A few people, who I do not aspire to be like, said a few hurtful things. That is all. Many more people I care about said loving, uplifting, wonderful things.

So, friends, I’m trying something new… I’m getting off the roller coaster again. I’m going to rehearse all the wonderful, kind things that beautiful people in my life have taken time to share with me because they are worth it! I am worth it!

From my heart to yours,

Thanks for reading

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Get Off the Roller Coaster

  1. You are so wonderful Stephanie. It would be so hard to find a kinder, more loving soul. Know you are loved by many, especially me!

    • You inspire me every time I cross paths with you in person, on facebook, on your blog, via text etc. We may not communicate often, but please know you impact me often! So grateful our paths cross! Let’s get together soon! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s