Almost immediately after waking up this morning, I rolled over to snuggle in my husband’s shoulder cradle and tearfully said, “whether it’s logical or not, I’m afraid of losing you”. He wisely didn’t respond ‘there’s nothing you can do that would make me leave you’ or ‘I will love you no matter what’. In my emotional state, words like that would have just brought up red flags in me. I didn’t need to be consoled or reassured because I don’t believe anyone can promise what they will authentically feel in the future and I don’t completely trust people who think they can.
For the next few hours, my patient, loving, thoughtful, self-aware partner walked me through some of my worst fears. Throughout the course of our conversation, I realized I was really afraid of growing too much and finding my life unbearable. I have been through that hell before and I didn’t want to go back. I know that once you reach another level of awareness, you can not go back, any more than a baby can return to the womb. I was afraid of growing so much that I wouldn’t want to be with him. Instead of taking offense or falling into fears of his own, my life partner just heard me out.
We concluded that the core essence that brought us together is unchanging. We both value love, truth and honesty. Our list of deal breakers is short and every line item can be prevented with one simple (but not easy) thing… Live each day with the intention of awareness and address things as they come up.
When we first started dating, I made a promise that I can keep “I will let you know where I am at and what I am thinking along the way”. I learned yesterday that my open, honest and above board approach is what attracted my husband to me more than anything else. In those early months, we agreed that if another truly didn’t want to be with us, we didn’t want to be with them. Neither of us are the same now as we were then and we are still happily together.
The worst sin anyone can commit in my mind is something that takes away another’s power. Attempting to stifle, control or kill another’s spirit is completely unacceptable to me. If you would like to see virtual fire come out of my eyeballs, just start talking to me about someone taking advantage of someone’s vulnerable state for their own gain and the other’s demise. The only thing that keeps me from attacking predators myself is a belief their actions come from losing touch with their own divinity inside and are their own type of victim, in need of love.
I also believe the BEST thing you can do for another human is honor his or her divinity while living your best life. Love unconditionally. Share ideas but don’t try to influence or control; just be.
I am finding my voice. I am practicing speaking my truth. Fear is my ally. Fear is a signal that I’m undermining my power and in need of more self-love **. I am incredibly grateful to be in union with someone who can help me process what I feel instead of ‘fix’ it. For reasons I am only beginning to understand, he’s also grateful to be with a dynamic, passionate, fire cracker of a soul who faces her fears.
From my heart to yours
Thanks for reading
** Hearing Roger Teel speak at the Hay House “I Can Do It” conference in Denver (April 2015) helped me understand how to see fear. His website is http://rogerteel.com/