It has come to my awareness that I have lived most of my life off the energy of those around me, in their worlds, not mine. A little like a well meaning parasite, I haven’t developed much within myself to give without somehow first receiving. Because of that imbalance, I have constantly felt like I’m not enough. There’s no way that someone else’s energy is ever going to be enough for me and there’s no way I can ever be enough for someone else if my own tank is empty.
I realized that part of the reason I had so much trouble feeling like I belong is because I hadn’t spent time or energy making myself a home within. If I am not at home inside, how could I ever think I could find a home outside? I am capable of thinking positively and sending out positive vibes all over the place but I’m deluding myself if I think that can make up for a core full of untended wounds.
I have been accused of living in my own world and not ‘reality’ numerous times. I recently deduced that accusation comes when I have been living in the accuser’s world and decide to leave. They notice. They see me as having left reality because I left their reality.
I have taken that feedback personally and used it to feed my dark wolf. I have spent my energy fighting my feelings, trying desperately to control them, only to have them burst out at the most inconvenient times. I have analyzed them, judged them, shamed myself for feeling them, distracted myself from noticing them and tried to convince them they aren’t real…all to no avail.
I am grateful to have recognized the real issue has been a lack of a self sufficient inner world. I am building one now! It’s a place where I am safe and only the people I want to join me are allowed in. It’s a place where I make the rules and can change them any time I choose, with complete, unconditional acceptance. It’s a fantastical place for me by me!
My feelings are gifts. They are indicators of what I believe in my core. Although they are not facts, they come from a place that knows the truth even when I’m telling myself lies. They can be wind in my sails if I work with them. They can be the waves that take me to new levels of self-understanding and self-awareness if I allow it. And… they can be fun!
No one has ever accused me of being boring. 🙂
From my heart to yours,
Thanks for reading