Real Can Be Messy

Do you know why I create a roller coaster? Do you know why I withdrawal and tune out when someone is trying to be close? Do you know why I sabotage myself?

I do.

I say I want real and authentic. I do. Because anything less than isn’t satisfying.

But…..

I want “real and authentic” packaged in a pretty little box with a perfectly tied ribbon. I want just the good, sweet, fun parts. I want sunshine and rainbows and kittens to be real all the time.

But it’s not.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes all of us are less than stellar in our thoughts/behavior…and that’s real too.

Real isn’t ever going to be as convenient as plastic. Real isn’t predictable. Real isn’t controllable.

I don’t get to pick which parts of real I want to feel any more than I get to pick which feelings I feel. It’s an “all in” or “missing out” proposition. Any attempts to numb the uncomfortable or prune away the inconvenient, comes at a steep price… it also numbs the good.

Same as I don’t get to feel happy all the way unless I feel sad all the way….. I can’t get the rewarding, euphoric,
wonderful parts of real unless I am willing to experience the messy, hard, painful, miserable parts of real. Denying the latter doesn’t make it go away, it just blocks me from the bliss that’s possible.

Much of what I thought needed to be fixed isn’t actually broken. It just isn’t fun or convenient. Much of what I question if I can live with are things I am going to experience with anyone being real…. at some point, anyone being authentic and true to himself/herself is going to do something I am not happy about. The parts I don’t like in others are parts I don’t like in myself. I can break up relationships but I still have to live with myself.

If my last husband couldn’t figure out how to make me happy all the time, no one can. He learned how I operated so intimately, he could side step conflicts before they could even start. He knew exactly what to do so I always felt safe. His only mission in life was to support me and make me a happy wife. And you know what? That wasn’t enough for me…. it wasn’t satisfying any more than aspartame gum.

Shit……

That’s why I want catch phrases and “rules”. That’s why I try to dissect meaning out of every little thing…. I want to try to figure REAL out so I can genetically modify it into just the part that’s pleasurable to experience. But then all I get is the equivalent of a Stepford husband. It’s not real anymore.

(Sigh) ……..

I want to learn how to speak up for myself when responses aren’t guaranteed. I want to learn how to be unconditionally loving and accepting. I want to give wholeheartedly from a pure place.

It ain’t always going to be easy…but I believe it’s worth it.

 

From my heart to yours,

thanks for reading

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Belonging

It is impossible to make someone else feel as if they belong. The best one can do is provide an environment where it is safe to accept one’s self, where it safe to have the full gamut of feelings, and model how it’s done. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance (Brene Brown in “Daring Greatly…”) .

Louise Hay, Brene Brown and many others have expressed the same concept of being ‘hard wired for love and connection’ using slightly different words. We do not have to earn the right to breathe and we do not have to earn the right to be loved. Both are necessary for our survival and they are our birthright. I truly believe at the core of all dysfunctional relationship issues in the world is a lack of self acceptance with one or both parties.

At this moment of life, I feel the most loved, appreciated and in sync with the world I have ever felt. Last weekend, I finished writing a song with a friend and was part of making music with some very talented musicians all evening. I had more than one moment of “Wow! I am SO GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE!”. My band mates tell me my enthusiasm is infectious and I tell them they make it possible!

My home is coming together. My work is coming together. The relationship with my soon to be ex husband is better than I could imagine. My son is getting his life figured out. There is even hope of mending estrangement with my birth family. Every single thing on that list has been a HUGE stressor over the years. I worried about every single item because I couldn’t see how I could make it work out.

But I started living in a new way. I started believing the best is coming to me. I started believing the world is a loving supportive place and I belong in it just as I am. I started believing I have a purpose as me in this world. I started letting go of other people’s perceptions of me so I could be myself all the way.

I gave myself permission to daydream. I allowed myself to imagine an existence where all my relationships are supportive, I live in a beautiful, cozy place surrounded by trees and have access to all I need to live comfortably with enough to share. I set the intention to trust spirit, love myself, do the next right thing and embrace the process.

It’s happening, folks! And it’s not because I “made” it happen. It’s because I have been working on releasing the blocks I put up to protect myself but instead kept good out. It’s because the world is full of loving, supportive people when I believe it is! It’s because the universe conspires in my favor when I believe it does! It’s because I accept who I am in this moment, knowing mistakes are part of learning.

I am grateful for the people in my life who don’t approve of me because they have taught me about true compassion. When surrounded by people who agree, it’s not nearly as easy to work on my shadow side as when I encounter contrary people. We are all characters in the play of life. Every person has a role and everyone can choose how to portray themselves. None of us are the director of all but we each get to write our own character’s story.

May we all remember as long as there is breath, there is love and there are choices.

From my heart to yours,

Thanks for reading