2017 has been full of A LOT of change for a lot of people! It seems things are coming up to be dealt with that have been dormant for some time for lots of people in my life. As I enter my birthday week and my personal new year, I am reflecting on where I have been and where I want to go. It’s been a particularly tumultuous 12 months… I have divorced, moved twice, got a new full-time office job, lost friends, gained friends, started a band, lost a band, started another band, legally changed my name, lost co-workers, gained co-workers… There’s just been A LOT going on!
My last divorce was finalized in February but my ex husband and I were getting together regularly to watch Dr. Who on Sundays. When the season ended, so did the 12th doctor (Peter Capaldi … swoon…my favorite actor ever!!!) and so did the last thing my ex husband and I were sharing in our lives…at least for now. The regeneration of a Doctor is always emotional but the timing of it made it even more so for us. We both grieved pretty heavily.
A short time after the end of the season, my ex husband packed up the remaining items of mine and asked me to remove them from his house. He asked that if I didn’t want any of it, I still figure out something to do with it. Once everything was out, I handed over the key to his home I still had in my possession. It was a necessary boundary and a necessary stage but it was painful. It drove home what I already knew but didn’t quite accept… our marriage was really, really over. I wasn’t going to get away with just abandoning the things I didn’t want to look at; I had to face them and decide what to do.
Last night, I unpacked a painting I had made for him of a tree created on two separate canvases that lined up together to make a complete piece. There was a heart with our initials that spanned the base of the tree and into the roots. I signed it on the back and wrote “To the most beautiful man I have ever known”. It hung in our home until, ironically, the year our marriage started to come to a close. I meant those words when I wrote them. I still think he’s a beautiful man; I just don’t want to be married to him anymore and he doesn’t want to be married to me. I also unpacked wedding gifts, souvenirs from our honeymoon taken at our five year anniversary, a piece of artwork he made for me that used to hang in our bedroom, a plaque with the definition of love and engagement photos. There are more boxes to go through but that was enough for one night!
I am feeling a bit raw today… I am grateful he loves me truly and deeply enough to let me go. I am grateful for all the good times we shared. I am grateful we are both better people now than we were when we got together. I am grateful to have been with such a beautiful, wise man and always will be. I am grateful our split was so cooperative and peaceful. I wish him to find someone who matches him in ways I couldn’t while encouraging him to be the BEST version of himself as I did.
As I think about my failed marriages (yes, I have had 2), I did a lot of things right, I did a lot of things wrong and there’s SO MUCH I want to do better in the future. I was still a teenager when I got married the first time. I was trying to make my mark on the world and did what I thought all ‘good’ women did…. get married and have children. Our incompatibility and my son’s special needs were just too much to bare. We split when I was 25 but did a pretty smashing job co-parenting. My second marriage was between two people trying to fill voids within themselves. Our hurts and strategies for masking those hurts were compatible. We were/are extremely mentally compatible and polite to each other. Too polite… So polite we avoided conflict for almost a decade and when it came up, we weren’t committed enough to our marriage to get through it. I see now I was trying to create a successful 2nd marriage to prove the end of the 1st one ‘wasn’t my fault’… Yikes! The truth is, in any relationship, it takes two to make or break it. If it’s ending, it’s partially due to what I brought, or didn’t bring, to the equation. The same is true if it’s continuing.
In all my relationships, I am learning how important it is to speak my truth with kindness and respect even if it’s uncomfortable. I need to express what I am okay and not okay with but not try to control what other people do. The only things I can control are my thoughts and my actions. Everything else is outside of me.
I am committed to making this next year one of my best yet! My home is already the most beautiful place I have ever lived in and I am excited to have a music room to share! My relationships in my inner circle are strong. Healing is happening with those that I’ve been apart from for some time. I am in the process of getting back on track with my eating and exercise habits.
Life is a journey, not a destination.
Cheers to the next phase of life!
From my heart to yours,
Thanks for reading