I often told people my husband held my kite string so I could fly. What I didn’t realize I was saying at the time is I felt I needed holding down. I didn’t feel safe being all I could be, letting go, riding the winds. I feared if I did that, I would lose control and everything in my life would potentially fall apart.
As I sit on my new bed in my new location, I no longer have that fear. I am here, sitting with myself and quite content with that. Everything I am not is crumbling away but I am here as centered and at peace as I have ever been. I am learning to fly.
When I was around ten, I was taken on my first flight in a little two seater airplane. I remember looking down in awe as ‘big’ buildings started looking like toys and people were nothing more than little specs. We didn’t go that high because it was such a small craft but it was high enough to get a different perspective than I had ever had before. I remember thinking perspective changes everything. I have a better understanding now of how true that observation was than I did then.
My pilot explained the controls on the dashboard and how he watched the horizon to make sure he was straight. I had no desire to learn to operate a plane but I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. It was exhilarating to experience something so new!
I don’t know exactly when it happened but, at some point, new things became scary instead of exciting. I tried to make things as much the same as possible. I started being addicted to control. I trained people in my life not to surprise me. I built relationships with impressionable folks. The older I got, the more power I sought. Eventually, I realized I didn’t want to try and control others but I still tried to control what happened to me. I still braced myself for any pitfall that may come my way. That created tension in my body… a lot of it.
I am in the process of letting go of all of that now. The personal work I need to do in order to coach is teaching me more about myself than I ever imagined. My client’s lives mirror mine and the more work I do in my own life, the more present I can be for them.
Here is my understanding of life today… The secret to making progress without creating tension is to keep my eyes on the horizon and do the next right thing. There isn’t much use in writing a script for how things are going to go. My ‘law of attraction’ work has taught me the best way to create the life I want is to imagine it already here and let go of trying to figure out ‘how’ it will happen. I tune into what I call ‘spirit’ and take action steps in the direction I want to go. One small step at the time, enjoying the process along the way.
I have a good life. Almost everything outside of myself I used to identify with has either changed or gone away. I am grieving the loss of a marriage I thought would last forever but I haven’t lost the memories of wonderful times spent together. Life is in the moments. Forever is a series of ‘right nows’ strung together.
From my heart to yours,
Thanks for reading