Real Can Be Messy

Do you know why I create a roller coaster? Do you know why I withdrawal and tune out when someone is trying to be close? Do you know why I sabotage myself?

I do.

I say I want real and authentic. I do. Because anything less than isn’t satisfying.

But…..

I want “real and authentic” packaged in a pretty little box with a perfectly tied ribbon. I want just the good, sweet, fun parts. I want sunshine and rainbows and kittens to be real all the time.

But it’s not.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes all of us are less than stellar in our thoughts/behavior…and that’s real too.

Real isn’t ever going to be as convenient as plastic. Real isn’t predictable. Real isn’t controllable.

I don’t get to pick which parts of real I want to feel any more than I get to pick which feelings I feel. It’s an “all in” or “missing out” proposition. Any attempts to numb the uncomfortable or prune away the inconvenient, comes at a steep price… it also numbs the good.

Same as I don’t get to feel happy all the way unless I feel sad all the way….. I can’t get the rewarding, euphoric,
wonderful parts of real unless I am willing to experience the messy, hard, painful, miserable parts of real. Denying the latter doesn’t make it go away, it just blocks me from the bliss that’s possible.

Much of what I thought needed to be fixed isn’t actually broken. It just isn’t fun or convenient. Much of what I question if I can live with are things I am going to experience with anyone being real…. at some point, anyone being authentic and true to himself/herself is going to do something I am not happy about. The parts I don’t like in others are parts I don’t like in myself. I can break up relationships but I still have to live with myself.

If my last husband couldn’t figure out how to make me happy all the time, no one can. He learned how I operated so intimately, he could side step conflicts before they could even start. He knew exactly what to do so I always felt safe. His only mission in life was to support me and make me a happy wife. And you know what? That wasn’t enough for me…. it wasn’t satisfying any more than aspartame gum.

Shit……

That’s why I want catch phrases and “rules”. That’s why I try to dissect meaning out of every little thing…. I want to try to figure REAL out so I can genetically modify it into just the part that’s pleasurable to experience. But then all I get is the equivalent of a Stepford husband. It’s not real anymore.

(Sigh) ……..

I want to learn how to speak up for myself when responses aren’t guaranteed. I want to learn how to be unconditionally loving and accepting. I want to give wholeheartedly from a pure place.

It ain’t always going to be easy…but I believe it’s worth it.

 

From my heart to yours,

thanks for reading

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Alone For The Holidays

I moved out from my ex-husband’s home December 4, 2004 (almost a decade ago!).  I had people at work that cared about me but, outside of that, didn’t really have any friends.  I didn’t have a supportive birth family and wasn’t close enough to anyone to be invited anywhere.

I got through that very painful transitional time with a few tools:

1) a life coach

2) a journal where I was free to express my feelings unedited

3) a “lie” box where I could put my negative, self deprecating, thoughts away (On a post-it note, I’d write the “lie” on one side and a reframed “truth” on the other side before placing it in the box.)

4) The books “Courage to Change” and “Co Dependant No More”

5) willingness to accept I am powerless in situations outside my control and openness to rely on a power greater than myself (even though I didn’t have that “power” fully defined)

6) a “personal massager” named King Tut

Looking back, I see that time period made my fulfilling relationships now possible.  When things are getting off track within me or within my current marriage, I recognize the warning signs sooner.

Every good relationship has ups and downs.  If there are no downs, somebody isn’t being honest and that’s eventually going to be an issue.  That’s not to say that you need to be down often.  Just, at some point, there are going to be disagreements and disappointments that can turn into resentments if partners do not address them.

Holidays are no more, or less, than what you make of them.  In the cosmos, they are just another day that comes and goes.  Whether you feel you have much to celebrate this year or not, please use those days to celebrate your LIMITLESS potential.

Cherish the joys, grow from the challenges and be grateful to be alive!

From my heart to yours,

Thanks for reading