My Truth and My Fears

Almost immediately after waking up this morning, I rolled over to snuggle in my husband’s shoulder cradle and tearfully said, “whether it’s logical or not, I’m afraid of losing you”.  He wisely didn’t respond ‘there’s nothing you can do that would make me leave you’ or ‘I will love you no matter what’.  In my emotional state, words like that would have just brought up red flags in me.  I didn’t need to be consoled or reassured because I don’t believe anyone can promise what they will authentically feel in the future and I don’t completely trust people who think they can.

For the next few hours, my patient, loving, thoughtful, self-aware partner walked me through some of my worst fears. Throughout the course of our conversation, I realized I was really afraid of growing too much and finding my life unbearable.  I have been through that hell before and I didn’t want to go back.  I know that once you reach another level of awareness, you can not go back, any more than a baby can return to the womb.  I was afraid of growing so much that I wouldn’t want to be with him.  Instead of taking offense or falling into fears of his own, my life partner just heard me out.

We concluded that the core essence that brought us together is unchanging.  We both value love, truth and honesty.  Our list of deal breakers is short and every line item can be prevented with one simple (but not easy) thing… Live each day with the intention of awareness and address things as they come up.

When we first started dating, I made a promise that I can keep “I will let you know where I am at and what I am thinking along the way”.  I learned yesterday that my open, honest and above board approach is what attracted my husband to me more than anything else.  In those early months, we agreed that if another truly didn’t want to be with us, we didn’t want to be with them.  Neither of us are the same now as we were then and we are still happily together.

The worst sin anyone can commit in my mind is something that takes away another’s power.  Attempting to stifle, control or kill another’s spirit is completely unacceptable to me.  If you would like to see virtual fire come out of my eyeballs, just start talking to me about someone taking advantage of someone’s vulnerable state for their own gain and the other’s demise.  The only thing that keeps me from attacking predators myself is a belief their actions come from losing touch with their own divinity inside and are their own type of victim, in need of love.

I also believe the BEST thing you can do for another human is honor his or her divinity while living your best life.  Love unconditionally.  Share ideas but don’t try to influence or control; just be.

I am finding my voice.  I am practicing speaking my truth.  Fear is my ally.  Fear is a signal that I’m undermining my power and in need of more self-love **.  I am incredibly grateful to be in union with someone who can help me process what I feel instead of ‘fix’ it.  For reasons I am only beginning to understand, he’s also grateful to be with a dynamic, passionate, fire cracker of a soul who faces her fears.

From my heart to yours

Thanks for reading

** Hearing Roger Teel speak at the Hay House “I Can Do It” conference in Denver (April 2015) helped me understand how to see fear.  His website is http://rogerteel.com/

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I Am Already Enough

During a yoga studio social hour last night, I had a conversation with an amazing young woman who’s leaving for seminary to Berklee, CA in a couple weeks.  I thanked her for the time she came up to me when I was having a mat meltdown, touched my shoulder and said it had happened to her too.  I experienced a moment where I felt safe and completely understood by someone I’d only interacted with for a few moments of life.  I am grateful women like her exist.

We exchanged background stories and agreed that challenging life circumstances have positioned us to be helpers.  I’m becoming more grateful for the opportunities to grow from them more and more all the time.  However, I’ve also caught myself creating challenges when none are necessary or believing something is going to be difficult when I haven’t even tried it.

Adamanine® Yoga teaches the concept of “effortless effort” which has challenged my core belief that if it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t count.  I’m working on releasing my need to suffer.  I’m releasing tension from years of holding in, holding on, and pushing through.  Some if it isn’t even mine, it’s my parent’s tension passed on to me.  I don’t need to hold on to it any more.

Nothing lasts forever.  The sun rises and the sun sets everyday.  There is consistency to life but nothing is forever.  I’m giving myself permission to try things I’ve never tried before.  In fact, if I’m looking for results I’ve never had before, it’s likely to come from a source I’ve never tried before.

I’ve seen in myself and others that if you simply give yourself permission to stop believing you are stuck this way, allow yourself to change your mind, ask the universe questions and open your heart to answers, A-MA-ZING things happen.  However, my amazing is not the same as your amazing.  Each individual has their own path, their own journey, their own gifts.  From what I gather, the right path for each individual is “effortless effort” as much as my ideal yoga practice.

For every thing that doesn’t work out, I’ve narrowed down possibilities of what will.  I try things… no longer settling for mediocre.  I’m already enough, there’s no need to try to prove it.

Wow, what a relief!

 

From my heart to yours,

Thanks for reading

More about Adamantine Yoga can be found here: 

https://adamantineyoga.com/

Much more on changing thinking patterns can be found in this book: 

“You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay