My Truth and My Fears

Almost immediately after waking up this morning, I rolled over to snuggle in my husband’s shoulder cradle and tearfully said, “whether it’s logical or not, I’m afraid of losing you”.  He wisely didn’t respond ‘there’s nothing you can do that would make me leave you’ or ‘I will love you no matter what’.  In my emotional state, words like that would have just brought up red flags in me.  I didn’t need to be consoled or reassured because I don’t believe anyone can promise what they will authentically feel in the future and I don’t completely trust people who think they can.

For the next few hours, my patient, loving, thoughtful, self-aware partner walked me through some of my worst fears. Throughout the course of our conversation, I realized I was really afraid of growing too much and finding my life unbearable.  I have been through that hell before and I didn’t want to go back.  I know that once you reach another level of awareness, you can not go back, any more than a baby can return to the womb.  I was afraid of growing so much that I wouldn’t want to be with him.  Instead of taking offense or falling into fears of his own, my life partner just heard me out.

We concluded that the core essence that brought us together is unchanging.  We both value love, truth and honesty.  Our list of deal breakers is short and every line item can be prevented with one simple (but not easy) thing… Live each day with the intention of awareness and address things as they come up.

When we first started dating, I made a promise that I can keep “I will let you know where I am at and what I am thinking along the way”.  I learned yesterday that my open, honest and above board approach is what attracted my husband to me more than anything else.  In those early months, we agreed that if another truly didn’t want to be with us, we didn’t want to be with them.  Neither of us are the same now as we were then and we are still happily together.

The worst sin anyone can commit in my mind is something that takes away another’s power.  Attempting to stifle, control or kill another’s spirit is completely unacceptable to me.  If you would like to see virtual fire come out of my eyeballs, just start talking to me about someone taking advantage of someone’s vulnerable state for their own gain and the other’s demise.  The only thing that keeps me from attacking predators myself is a belief their actions come from losing touch with their own divinity inside and are their own type of victim, in need of love.

I also believe the BEST thing you can do for another human is honor his or her divinity while living your best life.  Love unconditionally.  Share ideas but don’t try to influence or control; just be.

I am finding my voice.  I am practicing speaking my truth.  Fear is my ally.  Fear is a signal that I’m undermining my power and in need of more self-love **.  I am incredibly grateful to be in union with someone who can help me process what I feel instead of ‘fix’ it.  For reasons I am only beginning to understand, he’s also grateful to be with a dynamic, passionate, fire cracker of a soul who faces her fears.

From my heart to yours

Thanks for reading

** Hearing Roger Teel speak at the Hay House “I Can Do It” conference in Denver (April 2015) helped me understand how to see fear.  His website is http://rogerteel.com/

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I Am

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”  ~ William Gibson

I just got back from the “I Can Do It” Hay House conference in Denver, Colorado.  In many ways, the format was familiar to annual experiences growing up: book a hotel, get up in the morning, eat, go to conference center, sit, listen to people talk, take notes, use restroom and repeat until dinner time.  The difference is that instead of my soul feeling like I was being sucked dry and wanting desperately to escape, counting the minutes until I could rip off my uncomfortable clothes and indulge in endless desserts at that night’s all-you-can-eat buffet… I felt FILLED UP!  I nodded my head often as the speakers spoke truths I have always known but were told were lies.

I took notes and actually READ THEM AFTERWARDS.  My heart is singing.  I am alive!

The event was emotionally exhausting because we explored my deepest fears and insecurities.  However, I was there with the support of my soul sister and showed up with an open heart.  Roger Teel, author of “This Life is Joy” said, “Clarity is power”.  In the next few paragraphs, I will share some of the clarity I received this weekend.

I am not broken.  I am made of light from the source of divine love.  My body, my physical form, is just the house that energy lives in.  My body is not who I am.  My thoughts are not who I am.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with who I really am.

I have a personal self that is ego driven, ruled by the senses.  There’s nothing really ‘wrong’ with that either, but it shouldn’t be taken too seriously.  Those inputs should not be confused with the infinite divine of which I am a part.

I realized that every single unpleasant experience I remember in my life stems from believing I’m not worthy.  It comes from ego driven messages that were handed to me by those who came before me.  They don’t rule my life.  They are part of my journey and I chose this path to learn what I need to know in this life.  I am not suggesting the people who I grew up with were assholes.  I am suggesting that the heartache I experienced as a child had more to do with my environment than a defect within me.

As I listened to Davidji explain his experience teaching “tactical breathing” to Marines, Special Forces and members of law enforcement, I realized that I’ve been expecting the world to adjust to me instead of learning to adjust to the world.  When I say ‘adjust’, I don’t mean change, I mean adjust my approach to situations based on my audience while being fully grounded in who I am and what I believe.  I mean being open and accepting of others from a base of loving myself.  True strength is gentle, flexible, malleable…

Cheryl Richardson said that when she used to hear people say “you need to love yourself”, she wanted to hit something.  I honor that honestly but loving and accepting myself truly is the key to being able to fully love and accept others.  There’s no way around it.

When I’m honest with myself, I see I’ve been hateful towards others when I agreed with their diminishing approach to me.  No one else can make me feel ‘less than’.  No one else can steal my joy because my joy comes from the divine.  If I lose connection with it, all I have to do is ask for help to get the connection back.  Even in difficult circumstances, I can be joyful at heart.  Everyone can.

I want to be a spiritual person.  I want to be connected to the source of life, the creative energy that holds the infinite universe together.  I am.  I am.  Right here, right now, I am connected.

I’m connected to the part of you that knows what I’m talking about.  I need not be threatened by differing beliefs.  I need not hush the inner voice that is connected to the divine for fear it’s leading me astray.  I just need to listen from a quiet, connected, place.  All I need to know is found there.

I am safe.  I am well.  All things will come in their own time.

From my heart to yours,

Thanks for reading

More information about Hay House can be found here:

http://www.hayhouse.com

http://www.hayhouseradio.com

http://www.healyourlife.com