Building an Inner World – My Feelings are Gifts

It has come to my awareness that I have lived most of my life off the energy of those around me, in their worlds, not mine.  A little like a well meaning parasite, I haven’t developed much within myself to give without somehow first receiving.  Because of that imbalance, I have constantly felt like I’m not enough.  There’s no way that someone else’s energy is ever going to be enough for me and there’s no way I can ever be enough for someone else if my own tank is empty.

I realized that part of the reason I had so much trouble feeling like I belong is because I hadn’t spent time or energy making myself a home within.  If I am not at home inside, how could I ever think I could find a home outside?  I am capable of thinking positively and sending out positive vibes all over the place but I’m deluding myself if I think that can make up for a core full of untended wounds.

I have been accused of living in my own world and not ‘reality’ numerous times.  I recently deduced that accusation comes when I have been living in the accuser’s world and decide to leave.  They notice.  They see me as having left reality because I left their reality.

I have taken that feedback personally and used it to feed my dark wolf. I have spent my energy fighting my feelings, trying desperately to control them, only to have them burst out at the most inconvenient times.  I have analyzed them, judged them, shamed myself for feeling them, distracted myself from noticing them and tried to convince them they aren’t real…all to no avail.

I am grateful to have recognized the real issue has been a lack of a self sufficient inner world.  I am building one now!  It’s a place where I am safe and only the people I want to join me are allowed in.  It’s a place where I make the rules and can change them any time I choose, with complete, unconditional acceptance.  It’s a fantastical place for me by me!

My feelings are gifts.  They are indicators of what I believe in my core.  Although they are not facts, they come from a place that knows the truth even when I’m telling myself lies.  They can be wind in my sails if I work with them.  They can be the waves that take me to new levels of self-understanding and self-awareness if I allow it.  And… they can be fun!

No one has ever accused me of being boring. 🙂

From my heart to yours,

Thanks for reading


Facing Food Addiction: Part 6: Questions I Ask Myself

When I am struggling to determine whether the hunger I feel is a legitimate need for food or just my addiction talking, these are some questions I’ve found helpful to ask myself:

How are you feeling right now?

How are you looking to feel?

What’s troubling you?

What does my body need right now?

Do I need rest?

Do I need water? Do I need something hot?  or cold? What have I done recently to nurture myself?

What have I eaten recently that might be triggering a craving?  Have I been on track?

Does something hurt?

I’ve watched people exercise themselves into a near constant state of injury.  That is not my goal.  I understand that injuries happen and also know that how I respond when they do plays a huge role in how fast and how sure I recover.

Pain indicates that something is wrong.  I’m not talking about discomfort.  Discomfort is when it doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t exactly feel good either.  Discomfort means you are going past where you have gone before, paving the way for growth.  Pain is when it hurts…sensations of “ow” beyond awareness that a certain part is not having “fun” anymore. Ego gets in the way of wellness.  It’s tricky because the EXACT same mental determination that is helps someone get/be fit can take them past balance into the danger zone of over training.  Ego will tell you that if you don’t complete a workout, you are less of a person.  Understand that is a complete lie. Rest is as important to training as strain is.  It’s actually while resting that your body repairs torn muscle tissue, regenerates cells and makes you stronger.  The “strain” does the tearing, the “rest” does the repairing that makes you better.  Stretching, nutrition and “down time” are important elements to wellness.  Fitness is about more than the physical and it’s only in the quiet moments that I can take care of my emotional and spiritual needs.  Answers to my questions come in the stillness. I am currently working on taking time for both challenging myself AND taking time for completely self nourishing activities   It seems that I choose either one or the other any given week but tend not to do a very good job taking time for both. My ultimate goal is:  self care….fitness in all 3 legs of the wellness stool…balance…moderation in all things (including moderation).  As I strive for this goal, blessings have been coming into my life greater than I could imagine!  People cross my path that both challenge and sooth me.  My husband is stepping up and taking a more active role in taking care of family matters.  My son is becoming more self aware and independent.  I’m making new friends and developing deeper relationships with old ones.  In the quiet moments, I sometimes take a look back to be grateful for where I am now.  In many ways, the only thing that really changed was my self talk which made me start making different choices for myself.  The rest has just come together…

Yesterday, I bought a little painting of a colorful bird on a perch that says “trust the journey”.  That is what I am practicing doing.


One day at a time…

From my heart to yours

Thanks for reading